What is Mother’s Day without Mom?

I know I am a mom, but for me Mother’s Day is still the day I thank my mom. And it just never quite feels like Mother’s Day without being able to pick up the phone and call her. I lost that privilege in January 2005 when my mom lost her more than two year battle with pancreatic cancer.  I miss her every day, but Mother’s Day and her birthday (which if my sister or I forgot we would have been permanently disowned), her absence is really felt. Up until 6 years ago, I had celebrated every Mother’s Day as a daughter, grand-daughter or aunt. The day was never about me, but always about those around me, particularly my mom. Who had in many ways raised us alone (my parents were divorced). And there was one thing my sister and I, and anyone who know our mother, were certain, everything she did was for her daughters and all those she loved. Family (real and chosen) meant everything to her. She loved being a mother, the matriarch, and she adored being a grandmother.

One of the few pictures that my mom and Tatum "look-a-like"

Mother’s Day is one of the holidays designed to sell greeting cards and spike retail sales. I think my mom alone supported the greeting card industry. Unlike me, she always had a card ready to send someone and it was sent on time for the occasion. How befitting that I started this post the night before mother’s day and of course have missed the day all together. Ya, in this way I am not my mother’s daughter, and I sincerely consider that a bad thing (she was wonderfully thoughtful and giving).

I remember  having to go through my moms things after she died, and finding a drawer filled with greeting cards for every occasion. Also in that drawer was her address book that she must have had for at least 30 years. I looked up my name and saw each time she had scratched out an old address for a new one since first going off to college! She always sent me a birthday card, Christmas card, and when I became a mother, she made sure I got a lovely Mother’s Day card.

I can’t say I was always so good to her, always so thoughtful. I could barely remember to buy a card, let alone get it in the mail on time for her to receive it on Mother’s Day. Around Mother’s Day I just remember feeling stressed about what we should do this year. This was the thing, my mom always said, I don’t care if you forget any holidays, just don’t forget my birthday, but truth was, she loved being the center of attention of her family. She loved when my sister and I went all out to make her feel special. The problem was, we never knew what would actually make her happy. Our mom never needed anything. If she wanted something, she just bought it for herself, making it extremely difficult to find a good gift, much less the perfect gift. Any gift was mostly just more of something she had already had. Weeks, sometimes months before, my sister and I would talk and say “oh jeez, what are we going to do this year?” I could feel myself tense. I didn’t want to disappoint her, but I am not that creative and not a planner! It took the last few years of her life for my sister and I to finally realize what for our mom the perfect gift was — it was just our attention and being together. Don’t miss understand, my mom loved nice things like diamond jewelery but if you couldn’t get the most dazzling, you could give her a rock from the street and get the same reaction!

My fondest Mother’s Day memory is long before I had become a mom. It was 10 years ago, and I was working at a high tech startup, getting my MBA at night, single and living the high life. My sister was living out in Sacramento with my brother-in-law and my nephew (2 years old at the time). Our mom had planned to be out there visiting during Mother’s Day. I had found out I needed to be in San Jose for a tradeshow right around Mother’s Day. We didn’t tell our mom, we made a plan. My sister knew my arrival time, I called from my mobile. I knocked on the door. My sister asked our mom to answer the door. She opened it and her jaw dropped. “Oh my God, I can’t believe it”, she said it with her accent (my mom was Indonesian and if you ever meet me in person, I can do her accent in a heartbeat). She blushed and smiled. We had succeeded in giving her the best Mother’s Day - Both of her daughters together.